Friday, September 13, 1901
ATTN: ALL TIAC DIALUP CUSTOMERS, PLEASE CHANGE YOUR LOGIN USER NAME FROM USERNAME TO [email protected] -- CHECK BACK DAILY FOR ANOTHER CHANGE. MWAA HA HA HA...
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Select, click, and Jump! out the window...
Conquering
Acquiring A Small ISP Near You, Soon
TIAC is proud to be an abused child in the PSINet family
The Unofficial Tiac/PSInet Corporate Anthem
THE TWELVE DAYS OF
PSINET
(traditional)
On the first day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
A $39.50 per month fee!
On the second day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the third day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the fourth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the fifth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the sixth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the seventh day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the eighth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Eight (times three) hours a day of no shell support
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the ninth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Nine emails ignored by [email protected]
Eight (times three) hours a day of no shell support
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the tenth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Ten more random disconnects
Nine emails ignored by [email protected]
Eight (times three) hours a day of no shell support
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the eleventh day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Eleven "Press one to continue holding"s
Ten more random disconnects
Nine emails ignored by [email protected]
Eight (times three) hours a day of no shell support
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
On the twelfth day of PSInet, TIAC gave to me:
Twelve months of crappy newsfeed!
Eleven "Press one to continue holding"s
Ten more random disconnects
Nine emails ignored by [email protected]
Eight (times three) hours a day of no shell support
Seven hundred crappy Ascend modems
Six random "NO CARRIER"s
Five bounced emails!
Four "UNABLE TO AUTHENTICATE LOGIN"s
Three hours on hold
Two logins required and
a $39.50 per month fee!
The Unofficial TIAC FAK
Company "Services"
Q: What hours can I
call Customer Support?
A: You can
call 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 365 days out of the
year.
1
Q: Does TIAC support
Netscape?
A: Just as
much as anything else. 2
Q: What's the
Customer Support number?
A: Dial
555-UP-YOURS and listen for the sound of the dialtone. 3
HELP!
Q: How can I get
other information about TIAC/PSInet?
A: Go to
ne.internet.services and listen for the sound of
whimpering.
Q: What are the
names of the vital servers?
A: Thanks
to TIAC's "WDC"4 policy, none of
our servers are vital!
Q: Will I get credit
for recommending TIAC to my friends?
A: Yes!
Your credit will be logged with the Afterlife
Corporation. Call 1-800-HECKFIRE and ask for #666. 5
Q: Can more than one
person log in to my account at once?
A: You are
free to log in as many people as you like. 6
Q: I can't log in.
What should I do?
A: Check
your computer. Is it on? If it is, then the problem is
your fault. Or it's the phone line. Go away, you're
bothering us.
TIAC Web Page Help
Q: Do you offer
virtual pages?
A:
TIAC/PSInet recommends using the latest Etch-A-Sketch
technology for your page. Go buy one. 7
Q: Do you offer
Frontpage?
A: Sure,
we'll offer you anything you like. Want a Deluxe Swedish
Massage? Send us your credit card number and we'll email
you a masseuse. 8
Q: Can you tell me
more about CGI/BIN?
A: No. 9
Q: I'm getting
"Invalid Login" responses -- what should I do?
A: This
problem is the phone company's fault. Or possibly your
money is cursed. Just in case, you'd better send it all
to us. 10
Q: How can I know
how much disk space I've used?
A: Don't
worry. As the amount of disk space you use goes up, your
monthly bill will match it. 11
Q: Why am I getting
error messages about robots.txt?
A: The
evil robots want to kill you. Your stocks are probably
cursed, too. You'd better send those in as well. 12
Q: How can I get
people to look at my web site?
A: Beats
us! 13
Q: My friends claim
they're sending me email, but I never got any. What
gives?
A: Your
friends all secretly hate you. 14
Q: My shell account
keeps crashing. Can I have shell support?
A: No. 15
Q: I cannot connect
at a speed faster than 28.8kbps. Is there some way to
speed things up?
A:
Scientists have proven that speeds greater than 28.8kbps
are hazardous to human health 16. Only TIAC cares enough about you
to protect you and your family from this danger.
1) And you probably will. Response
guaranteed within 1 millenium.
2) Figure it out.
3) See footnote #1.
4) "We Don't
Care"
5) Friends not guaranteed
to continue speaking to you.
6) And if you can log in
even one person,
we'll be very impressed.
7) To reset your virtual
page, hold server upside-down and shake.
8) Offer will not be
honored.
9) Okay, okay! Once upon
upon a time there was a handsome prince named CGI, who
sought the hand of the lovely princess BIN...
10) Money will not be
returned.
11) Or possibly we'll
surprise you with a BIG bill much later.
12) Stocks will not be
returned either.
13) Have you considered
finding a reliable host?
14) See footnote #5.
15) What part of "Go
away" don't you understand?
16) "The Iron Horse:
Threat Or Menace?" by Phineas T. Scrogglesworth in The
Journal of Contemporary Buggy-Whips,
v. III Spring 1879